The good life

It wasn't when I got engaged, or when I got married, or when I had children that I finally believed I had made it. It was when we bought and moved into our first house, and then when Maya was born. The period immediately following her birth was such a nice time, she was a baby who slept a lot, our fears about her damaged kidney were unfounded, the long, tiring and painful pregnancy was over, and Alex was a cute and doting big brother. Chris had changed jobs and seemed visibly more relaxed, I had my own home for the first time in my life. I had a family. I was brimming with hope and happiness. I remember thinking, I have done it. I have broken the curse, I'm not unlovable after all, I can give my children what I never had. They can grow up here in security, surrounded by love. 

Then we moved to Canada for an adventure, life got difficult, things fell apart. I'm not sure whether I can say that I regret all that has happened since. I regret having an aneurysm, but if I hadn't found out about it then I wouldn't have had a chance to fix it. If we hadn't had gone to Canada I may have never found it. And in some ways it was a stress test on the marriage - maybe we would have lasted longer in Newcastle if we'd never been tested, but don't we all hope that we will stick together when it counts, when we are under duress? And is it better to find out that you can't sooner rather than later? I don't know. I do regret the tumultous series of events that my children have been subjected to, having to move countries suddenly, never to return to their home, thrust into a world of borrowed furniture and tiny rentals, moving schools, being away from their dad, worrying about my health.

Not only did I take away the stability I thought I had given them, I unleashed on them even more trauma than I would have thought possible. Some part of my heart will always be broken at the knowledge of this, of their worlds torn apart. Pushing through so much pain has been a struggle to say the least, but through it all I hope I have shown resilience, and held on to my values, showing them that kindness in the face of adversity is what's most important. It's crucial that when things are tough, we love each other more, we hold each other through this, we have each other's backs. I hope what I have given them is a place of emotional safety, such that they are able to adapt to  the changes in physical environments, and weather the storm of uncertainty. I have shown them, and also myself, that it's not an unrealistic hope to have a life of peace, a home of tolerance, laughter, and joy, where we share each other's sadnesses and really don't fight very much. A home that is free from hostility. A home where we can express ourselves freely, and are allowed to make mistakes, but we don't turn on each other. A home full of hugs. It has been so hard, but I hope that I have helped them develop resilience, and that my love sustains them and gives  them a buffer from the pain of the world for a long time to come.